| damnnnnnnnn girl |
[24 Oct 2007|12:52am] |
whoa, remember livejournal?
it's been more than a while since i updated this piece of shit. 54 months to be exact. my icon looks like a different dude, but a different dude of equal awesomeness. who's as stoked as me on the sox? yeah?
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[29 Oct 2006|09:35am] |
I've been having these fucking anxiety attacks so much lately, to the point where I'm becoming concerned because each time is more painful than the first. It starts with the thinking. Usually I'm alone although it has happened in the mall around all the shoppers going about their daily lives. Then my normal breathing pattern changes into quick short gasps as if I am choking on the very air that is around me, like that feeling you get in the summer when someone holds you underwater in the pool. And I'm sure the chain smoking does not help. And then the real pain comes. My heart speeds up five times faster than it should and feels as if I just ran a marathon, except I have been sitting or laying down. If I try to take a deep breath I feel a severe stabbing feeling above my heart. Usually four sleeping pills does the trick and I just fall asleep, but as of late the pills have not been doing their job. And that leads me to the conclusion that I must get checked out by somebody. This brings me to another problem. Medication scares the hell out of me because I have seen so many friends get even more fucked up from their prescriptions. Most notably her. And I never want to be like her. A complete head case, and I would like to keep the small amount of sanity I have left to myself.
It is as if god has some sort of plan to sabotage me. Every time i think I could feel better about everything he sends something my way to remind me of me misery. Most recently I was fine for about a week, and then I dreamt of her. I woke up in a cold sweat short of air. And before that I was fine for a month or so, until a chance encounter with her and her new boyfriend sent me back to this place I hate going to. I still can not accept that the very thought of someone can make you physically ill.
This all needs to change because of this: It has affected my life far too much in the past year. I just got fired from my job yesterday. I fucked up. Nobody's fault but my own. But god damnit its so hard to concentrate on anything anymore.
The day before I lost my job, a customer handed me a small white pamphlet entitled "hot to be saved and know it." It discusses the uncertainty of life and what would happen if you were to unexpectedly pass away today, and where your soul would spend eternity. It got me to thinking. And you now know where thinking leads me to. And so yes it brought about a panic attack and I actually broke down at work. I was thinking about all the shitty things I have done as a result of feeling so bad about myself in the past year, and how god must view me. If I was to die today I would not have the slightest clue where I would be sent. Would the good I have done be enough to cancel out the bad? Or would I just rot in hell. Does it help that every time I have fucked up it was because of the way someone else has treated me?
I am not living under a rock, I know the kind of reputation I have around here. But let me explain it like this. I can not bring myself to have feelings for anybody, no matter how much I connect with her. It is just too fucking painful and it arouses all the old feelings of heartbreak and loss, and betrayal. So I find some nameless empty girl, who is just as vulnerable as me and I condemn myself for the night. Because random meaningless hook ups are the closest I can get to feeling loved or cared for. There I said it. I dont give a fuck if you dont understand because it makes perfect sense to me. I can admit when I'm wrong.
Everyone keeps telling me these wounds will heal when I find a nice girl who will actually bring back the good feelings, a girl who will resurrect me in a sense. But I dont know if I can just sit around and wait for her to just appear in my life. I am so young yet I feel as if I have been through more and learned more about love in my twenty years than most adults twice my age.
My head is just so messed up. I cant keep it in the right places for the life of me. I need help.
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[13 Oct 2006|01:19am] |
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how am i supposed to seize this day when everything inside of me has died
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[14 Sep 2006|11:17pm] |
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I'm so fucked up lately, I'm not myself, I wish I was stronger, I wish I could stop envisioning his filthy hands all over you. I need to go back to being medicated. Fuck.
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[13 Sep 2006|01:02pm] |
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I can tell you honestly that with every breathe I take I truely hate you and everything you have become. Burn in hell with your new boyfriend. Die.
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[28 Aug 2006|02:21am] |
10 months ago you said goodbye to me yet i see your face every morning when i awake, when i leave for work, when i come home from a shitty day, when i wake up with another girl, when i sit here with a lit cigarette in my mouth, and before i turn out the lights at night. but it's not you. it's merely an image of you reproduced on a photo-sensitive piece of paper from a better day. i need to rid myself of this demon and place this constant reminder of what i have lost in a place never to be found again. but i cant bring myself to do it for there's a shred of hope in my heart that whispers in the back of my mind "dont give up. dont lose sight of what you want, conquer..." and itches under my skin hinting that i will someday be able to look at that photograph and think of what i have, rather than what i used to have.
so when you ask why i keep coming back i will reply with the same answer i replied with the last time: because i love you. and sorry sweetheart, but to me love doesn't fade out when the next best thing comes along.
not that i really care if anyone reads this or gives a shit about my situation, but i apologize for the nature of my entries of late. this is a way for me to vent some of my most personal feelings and emotions and it really does alleviate some stress from all that has been going on in the past year. i feel that i sound like a broken record but at the same time i know i have a passion for something that many will never know or be able to experience in their own lives. and for that i am grateful.
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[06 Aug 2006|12:07pm] |
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I'm so fucking out of here. Next year I hope to be residing in beautiful San Francisco with my uncle who is hooking me up with a great paying job working for the city. And once I have enough money I am getting my own apartment. Starting over. Forgetting everything that has happened here, and keeping my sanity. It's a while away so as long as I last until then, there's no reason I wont do it. Honestly what is holding me back? Nothing. Western Massachusetts has nothing to offer me anymore, and if I stay within 20 miles of her I think I might eventually off myself. Maybe running away from my problems isnt the best solution, but why should I start looking out for myself now? Something needs to change.
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[31 Jul 2006|02:17am] |
man, it must suck to be you right about now.
keep talking. you only lose more friends that way.
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[25 Jul 2006|12:13pm] |
Honestly, when will I feel better.
At this point in my life I have nothing left to lose and I wish my heart would just explode in my chest.
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[12 Jun 2006|03:05pm] |
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My first show with Ligeia was yesterday in Asbury park New Jersey. We played In-fest with Dillinger escape plan, Sworn enemy, OBW, Black my heart, From a second story window and about 20 other great bands. It went well, I know the whole set list now so things went really smooth and I met some kids in bands I have been listening to for a long time. We were stuck in New York traffic for about three hours on the way home but it made for some interesting prank phone calls. So I leave for the Canadian tour wednesday at some point, probably the morning so to all those who want to see me before I go away you better get at me via telephone or myspace or whatever. First stop is London Ontario and we end in Halifax Nova Scotia. This summer is going to be great to say the least. See you later suckers.
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[10 Jun 2006|03:25am] |
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so yeah today I started working on my half sleeve. Go to www.myspace.com/bryanxforbes to check it out. Thanks to Patrick at cobra chrome.
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[07 Jun 2006|11:31pm] |
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just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone
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[31 May 2006|01:28pm] |
anyone want to buy a 60gb iPod its white, almost brand new, and i still have all the software for it. I'm probably selling it for about $250-$275. It holds about 20,000 songs. Get at me.
cell-4132102912
IM-bryanforbesX
myspace.com/bryanxforbes
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[30 May 2006|02:02pm] |
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So in just over two weeks I will be leaving for a month to tour with Ligeia in canada and the west coast. I am filling in on bass in the abscence of Bennett who can't cross the border. This may anger some people but I'm doing it for me, I am tired of looking out for everyone except myself. I need this. I need time away. I need something fresh to get me back into the game. I have a feeling this may be the final push that leads me over the edge, and once I fall I'm never looking back on what I've lost. This is what I have always wanted to do with myself, tour non-stop with a serious band on a serious label. I am out of here.
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[25 May 2006|05:56pm] |
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how is it that my whole life is based around someone who doesn't give two shits that I exist.
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[07 May 2006|08:39am] |
| [ |
music |
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remembering never |
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Every day holds something new and you never know when things will turn around for you. Lately for me they have been and I finally see now what I should have seen all along. Change happens and sometimes there is nothing we can do to prevent it. But change is not necesarily for the worse. I have been dealing with some really intense things lately as some of you know but nothing and I mean NOTHING this dramatic will ever make me into a weaker person. I have so many great people in my life that one would think it impossible to be miserable at times and this fucking cunt that tore me apart made me realize so much about myself. I can carry on, I can do better, and I can fucking party in the process. Who the hell said that "sometimes you have to fall to learn how to get up"? I dont even know but its true, it took her screwing me over for six months of the best years of my life for me to finally see that this isnt the first or last time this will happen to me. Love is something none of us now know but those lucky ones someday will. Love to me is like the blackness of space, I can not even begin to understand its greatness or depth or composition, I can only go by what I feel. I am ridding her of my mind, I have every one of our memories up against a wall and my finger is on the trigger, I'm dying to pull it. Say I wont.
Mike Mruk says I could sleep with any girl I wanted to.
Mike Mruk also said I have the worst reputation in the state.
Mike Mruk is a wise man.
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[02 May 2006|08:19pm] |
There was once you.
You said you hate my suffering,
And you understood, and you’d take care of me.
You'd always be there,
Well, where are you now?
when will I get better?
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[27 Apr 2006|05:15pm] |
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I will pay somebody twenty dollars to hit me upside the head with a blunt object to get her out of my head.
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[06 Apr 2006|02:16pm] |
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I think about killing myself atleast twice a day. And that doesn't scare me, nothing does anymore, I'm not happy without you. You hurt me more than words can say. Maybe I should take your advice and dissapear.
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[25 Mar 2006|05:56pm] |
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Looking back I've only wasted the past 9 months caring about you, when in the end all I get is heartbreak, and this empty feeling, the feeling you get when you walk into a smoke-filled room of strangers, when every eye is upon you. The truth is, I wander around endlessly, searching for something to bring you back, and to bring us back to what we were. But time has a way of stealing memories and never returning them. I know there is nothing I can do to bring you back home to me. This makes me not want to live anymore.
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